Never assume anything!
At least that’s what mothers tell their kids.
Of course, it’s pretty darned difficult to avoid assuming. It seems a goofy gift of fate that your brain and mind have an inborn talent for jumping to conclusions, operating from what is a believed common point, or plain ol’ guessing what another is thinking.
To assume: there are many meanings. One meaning is to take over the responsibilities of. Another meaning is to pretend. Particularly, to pretend to know.
All of these definitions are important when we consider assumption in communication.
Playwright George Bernhard Shaw once wrote: “The greatest barrier to communication--is the illusion of it.”
He was talking about illusions. Or, to put it another way....assumptions.
To assume: to make an ASS out of U and ME. (Sorry, I couldn't resist!)
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone where you tell them something, they act as though they understand, then they go out and do not do as you’ve told them? Chances are that the reason for it, is because of an assumption. Both the assumption of understanding on the part of the listener, and the assumption of receptivity on the part of the sender caused the mix up.
Assumptions can ruin constructive effective communication. So, to avoid miscommunication, begin practicing these three easy tips. - Practice Paraphrasing what the person just said. Say back to them what you heard or believe you heard them say. This way you can work out any problems on the spot rather than after the fact.
- Ask questions of the person. Doing such also allows the speaker to know you’ve not fully understood. As a speaker, asking questions of your audience allows you to know that they understood you. No, “do you understand?” is not a good question. Often people will say yes, even when they don’t. Never underestimate the power of the ego’s desire to protect itself. Practice asking open ended questions. For example: “Sorry, what did I just tell you? I lost track of my thoughts.” Seek clarity through questions.
- Finally, accept that 100 % understanding will probably never probably occur. So check your emotions. A riled up feeling of anger is not a good way to try and process information. If someone says a word that you feel yourself angry about, ask them what they mean by that word. Watch your emotions!
Practicing these will absolutely help you avoid the biggest barrier to communication. …so now you know.
I can understand the difficulty of it. My friend Andrew asked me the other day if would help him move apartments. I hate moving. I hate moving more than I hate writing a resume. And let me tell you, I hate writing a resume. Arrrggh! (More on that in some other post).
The point is my friend asked me for my help. What made this situation worse is that my friend expected my help because a few weeks earlier, he had helped me write an essay for school. I needed information for an essay, and he provided me with an excellent technique for synthesizing the information I had gathered. I was really grateful. That gratitude he was hopeful would motivate me to help him move the contents of his apartment.
Wrong!
Moving apartments, as I said, is something I hate. Composing an essay is something the both of us like. It was not a big burden for him to help me. So, the help he needed is not the same as the help I needed. Right?
Well, whether you agree with me or not doesn’t matter. What does matter is that there are times when we need to say “no” to people. And there are times when saying “no” produces a feeling of guilt. So, how do we say “no” without hurting someone elses feelings, as well as, our own?
I have three tips.
1) Give up the fight. Chances are you can’t say “no” without hurting someone’s feelings. Especially as in the case I described above. And so what? Their feelings, their expectations are their issue. Yes they may be your friend, and yes you may want them to have good feelings, but a friend can’t be everything to everyone. And your feelings are not my responsibility. Your expectations are not mine to meet. If I want to meet your expectations, then I will. If I do not, I will not. And, I need not feel bad about that or submit myself to my own pain just to make you happy. How is that being loving?
So how can I say “no” without hurting your feelings? I can’t. So what? Hurt feelings are a part of life. Disappointment is a part of life. Get over it, and solve the problem. Find someone else. I’m sure there are some people out there who like helping people move. Not me!
2) When you say “no”, say it with a gentle smile and soft eyes. Don’t try to make the person understand you, let you off the hook. Just say no. If they understand you, accept your decision, agree with your position or not is NOT your problem. You have a right to say NO. If they like it or not, so what? Say “no” as politely as possible, but say it anyhow. Why? Because that is what you want. And as an act of self-love, what you want is often enough.
3) Don’t let that guilt you feel walk you into doing what you don’t want. Usually when I say “no” I feel guilty. I feel guilty and bad. Why? Who knows? Probably sometime when I was young, I learned to be ashamed of my own right to live as I want. I probably learned to feel bad whenever I said “no”. Well so what? That was then, this is now. I refuse to allow the feeling of guilt for saying “no” manipulate me into doing what I really do not want to do. Is this selfish? I don’t know, and I don’t care. My freedom is more important than listening to the guilt I was trained to obey. If I want to help someone, I will. And, I do. But, there are times when I do not want to. And that is okay! It’s more than okay. It’s down right RIGHT!
I’m sure there are more tips as to how to say “no” to people. I’d love to hear your advice. I know that if I had heard this advice a few years ago, it would have saved me a lot of frustration headaches and sour stomachs. Hope the information helps.
If it doesn't, then go here: http://www.webheights.net/lovethyself/smith/no.htm
Never assume anything!